Q: How Can You Tell Elliot Spitzer Isn’t a Republican?

You might be so dazed by countless Republican scandals in the last 4 years. You might be wondering if a Elliot Spitzer, a hypocrite who built his career enforcing laws might be a Republican. Elliot Spitzer isn’t a Republican. He doesn’t have Republican family values. If Elliot Spitzer were Republican, he would have the following requisite family values:

1. The prostitute would have been a man.
2. The prostitute may have also been his drug dealer.
3. He would have explained how he went through an extremely unlikely series of circumstances which made it just seem like he was hiring a prostitute. Then he would change his story a couple times, going back on what he earlier said, pretending that contradictions don’t exist.
4. He would’t have resigned. He would have hijacked the desires of New Yorkers by proclaiming himself to be New York incarnate. Then he would have spent the rest of his career having awkward conversations with anyone he talked to before losing the next election.